Pay-off

When does it actually pay-off? When does all of it end in a way that puts a small smile on my face? Does it ever occur to you that this process we call life may never have a pay-off at all. The effort we put may never mean anything at all, it may simply end up as numbers in our mind that we never think of or recollect again. At the Same time sometimes it may feel like a reward with no work at all. I never seem to find some middle ground only the two sides, far apart from one another. There are times something pulls me to either side, but I try to stop it, resist. Yet it is not always successful.

Just another day, the sun rises like a gift for some but as an alarm for someone else. The cold water feels like an energiser and a punishment at the same time. While breakfast feels like a godsend and a chore. So how do I know which one is it for me? I can keep looking at the day as a repeat of yesterday and take it as pain or I can change the way I see it. Simple right? Not at all. This view that we develop is not be easy to change, It is like right handiness or walking we develop it and it becomes difficult to unlearn or change it. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to develop and that is when we realise we had to change it.

So then there you are with the same negative eyes that see everything in the bad way rather than in a good way. So you stare at the smallest things that mean nothing as if they were life changing terrible things that happen to you. You make such a big deal out of the smallest force pushing you down. And knowing how insignificant it is only makes it worse, with you thinking that you are even lesser than what you had made of yourself previously. Then just stop it, get in control. It is hard though, is it not?

Going back to sleep at night with the bed feeling more like a trap than a gift of rest. The trap that might try to hold me back the next day. Keep me in a position that is stationary. I hate that. Yet it almost feels as if I have no control over it. Yet neither do you, so is it just a competition of who can break out first? To make it out of our own lives?