Future Past

I thought I should go back in time to understand what led to the position I am in today, but I often think about how the story that I live and write about started much before there was ever any idea of my existence. I just happened to be part of this timeline and lineage of people; maybe there would have been someone else in my place, but there is not. I am the one who is here as myself. If I go back in time far enough, I think I could see why I happened to be the one person who is here in my position. Because I am not simply me alone, but everything that led to me.

If there was just one event that happened slightly differently, I would be a completely different person. Which is why the position I am in currently is much more important than it seems. And it is the same reason that it does not matter at all whether I stay where I am or not. People say that life doesn’t happen to us, but we make it happen, and I do find a lot of truth in that. I think we are in control of a lot, but there are things that are simply going to happen, whether we want them or not, and whether we try to make them happen or not.

If I look forward into the future to see what my present has led to and created, it will be clear to me what I need to do right now. But the problem is that I cannot. I can only look back, but the future has not happened yet. Which is why everything can be a chance to change the entire world. Or everything can be a chance to keep it just the way it is. The problem with this conflict of complete control and lack of control is that all I can do as the only person in my position is keep pushing the boulder up the hill.