Distance

It was about four o’clock in the morning. I was up way before the sun. My eyes had no sleep left in them only the worry that I had slept too long. I often feel that way these days. As if I have overslept even though the only time that I have slept is about three or maybe four hours. Maybe I fall asleep too deep and as soon as my mind turns off, it begins to worry as to the fact that it may never turn on again. Every morning when I wake up, my mind longs to be put back to sleep the entire day. Yet as soon as my eyes close and I am about to, an alarm goes off. Not the one that’s meant to wake me up but an alarm in my head telling me to make sure that I don’t say here for too long.

I get out of bed and open up the curtains. The beginning of the sunrise is almost here, and I know that I have at least two hours before I actually need to wake up. I look at my pillow, my bed, and my blanket. I stare right in their direction. Not flinching, blinking, or even thinking. My brain's attempt to go back is aiming to be successful, but I won’t let it. There is absolutely no way that I would give in to its trick. Yet I am not strong enough, so I continue to stare. I look back out the window and the sun has begun to rise. I walk around the hallways of my house in search of someone to catch me awake. So maybe I have a reason to go back to sleep.

I like to wake up early like this before the simulation. So that I don’t always have to do what the things around me lead to. Yet doing this same thing every day makes it feel like it’s part of the simulation. The same repetition is what kills me. It bores my mind to the extent that I begin to fill with rage. Don’t worry I won't hurt anyone though. My mind has this weird way of dealing with rage. It just puts me back into the simulation. Where I work hard enough to maybe get some form of recognition or positive feedback. I feed on that for about a length of a minute and begin to wander off into a different world again.

I am not distracted by any means. It is only that I have a low attention span and wander off easily. Yet once I begin to wander, I almost always go a good enough distance. Yet what is a good enough distance? Is it one that the things around lead to? Is it one that I decide for myself? Or is it just till I end up wandering off in another direction? Just like I did now when I was meant to be describing my early mornings. My actual morning is not early at all. I wake up early yet only end up getting to work around eight or nine. Since that is when the hangover of the simulation kicks in, strong enough for me to fall and be unable to get up on my own.

Then the sun comes up, and every other human being wakes up and does almost the exact same thing as me. Complete what the simulation asks of them. Some do it quick enough to make some room for choice. Others delay it enough for the simulation to catch them. Yet at the end of the day, there is nothing that separates you and me except time and speed. Which is why you end up feeling the distance.