Beast

There is this terrible rage building inside of me. I am not sure If I can mask it anymore. The way time passes keeps getting faster and faster. Instead of my emotions disappearing they are getting stronger and meaner. I don’t wish to turn into this monster, but it happens on its own at times. It’s almost as if this whole other being takes control of everything I think and feel. I do not know whether it was real or just something that happens in my own head, I just want it to stop. Something else is taking over and I may not be able to stop it.

At night when everyone is asleep. When there is no sound to disturb me, the other side tries to take over. My eyes blush out as if all my blood flows to them. I become so much stronger, and my bones feel unbreakable. It is at this time that the beast comes out to play. When I should be sleeping, the beast takes me on a different journey. I jump out of my window and sprint through the empty streets far enough to not even remember how I ended up getting there. I don’t know what happens after that since I lose almost all of my control. I just wake up in the same bed every day somehow.

Sometimes people in the news speak about the sightings of a new form of animal or some creature they see at night. I know what they see but I can never be sure. The problem that occurs now is that I think this beast could come out of me anytime. Not only at night. Not only at times when everyone else is away from me. Maybe I pose a danger to those around me? Maybe slowly but steadily the beast is becoming one with who I am instead of being something separate. I see myself not being scared when I usually would. I feel myself getting angry when I would usually not even have the confidence to utter a word.

Yet there is one thing that I know for sure. The beast is inevitable. It will come out one day or another. To some extent, I think maybe I want this beast to come outside of me. Not because I want to scare people or because I want to cause terror, but simply because I don’t want to be scared myself. Maybe the beast was a way for me to hide the scared lam that I was. Maybe next time I will not stop the beast from taking over. Maybe next time, I will let the beast have the upper hand. Possibly then I would be aware of what I do as the beast as well.

If I can be that beast all the time, maybe it will be better for me. Since I won't fear having to return from it. I won't have to fear the times when I won’t be in my strongest form. I would only have to live with the pain and mundane feeling of never feeling fear.